A Letter to Me

Dear Tony,

Hey, it’s me (or you), Tony, 12 years from now. Yea, this is going to be a little strange, but bear with me. You are probably getting ready for your first practice of the first team you get to coach, the Grandview Middle School boy’s soccer team. Take a quick break from planning your session for their first practice to read this letter.

Also, on a side note, you are going to get lost on the way to training and miss it anyway, so you would be better off getting a head start on the apology note to the players and parents you will need to write...ok back to why I am writing this letter.

Well, you are not going to believe this, but this “coaching” thing becomes a little serious in the future for you. Although you are studying to be a teacher, which will come in handy, you will only spend a couple years in the school system. No, you do not get fired, but you make a pretty gutsy decision to leave the classroom for the soccer field (a bigger classroom).

Now, I want to give you a few quick tips to prepare you for the path you are going take. Don’t worry. You made a good decision, but I want to share some things I have learned over the past 12 years with you that are important to know.

Learn as much as you can about the players you coach.

You will continue to study and learn more about the game and new coaching methods, but it is the knowledge about the kids you are working with that will be your biggest asset and make you a better coach. In show business, it is often said, “Know your audience.” This is true in coaching as well. “What” and “how” you are coaching are only as good as they are appropriate for your audience (the players). You will design fantastic sessions that will fail, in epic fashion, because they were not appropriate for the kids of that age or level. You will get mad and blame it on the kids, but with experience and moderate wisdom, you will realize it is your fault, not theirs.

Parents are your ally.

You will be around a lot of coaches who tell “horror stories” about parents and their involvement in their child’s soccer experience. While some are true, and you will witness some firsthand, the vast majority of parents want to do what is best for their kid and support you as a coach. Do not let a rare few paint the entire group in a negative light. You will learn very quickly that your job is much easier, and enjoyable, the more you engage parents in the process. Communicate, communicate, and communicate…. and when you are done...communicate some more. Have the tough conversations, do not leave things open to interpretation, seek feedback, provide feedback, agree to disagree respectfully, and be open minded. You will become a parent one day, and when you look at your daughter, and get the sense she is even slightly being mistreated, you will understand where a concerned parent is coming from. Lastly, even the parents you will never find common ground with are the ones you will learn the most about yourself and your coaching philosophy.

Make it fun.

You will find as an adult you have a different agenda than the kids when you arrive at training. You will be overly serious about getting things done a very specific way, and expect each player to be focused on getting better, winning, and having success. Yes, you will want players to be focused, get better, and be successful, but making the game too serious too fast will do the exact opposite. Do not forget what you were thinking about when you arrived at training as a player. Did you really show up and say, “Today I am going to improve my first touch and ability to pass and move.”

No, you did not. Sorry, you cannot lie to yourself. When you showed up, you were just excited to see your friends and get to play. You were lucky to have coaches who made the game fun and taught you how to play the game. It is going to take you some time to remember that because you want to be the best coach you can be, but once you do, you will find the kids will respond much better to your coaching style, have more fun, learn more, and have more success. They are there to have fun. It is why they signed up to play to begin with...just like you.

It is a game. Make sure you keep it a game, and not make it into a job for them. Your goals are different than their goals, and most are not overly serious about the game. Remember, you always played because it was fun, and it never really got “serious” until you were in high school.

By the way, I know you think you want to coach in college one day. Turns out, with this slight change in approach, your favorite age groups to coach will be the younger players. Sorry for the bad news, but look on the bright side. If you do your job well, you are going to help a lot of players stay in the game long enough to get to college one day.

Learn, but don’t copy.

You do a great job seeking out other coaches to observe in order to learn new coaching methods and training activities. You will attend conventions and coaching schools, spend a lot of time on YouTube, and all will be an invaluable resource for your development as a coach. Make sure you never stop doing that!

BUT… here is something you will learn overtime. Learn from the great coaches around you, but do not try to BE the great coaches around you. By trying to do things the way they do them, to coach the way they coach, talk the way they talk, you will become frustrated and fail. Do not copy what you see, instead, adapt it to the type of coach you want to be and the players you are working with. By doing that, you can take what is great about every coach and use it in a way that works for you. You are unique in your style, like all coaches, so you need to do more than just see and copy. You must see, dissect, question, build, adapt, and integrate into your pedagogy.

Evolve...changing your mind is ok.

It shows wisdom, not uncertainty, to change your mind as you gain more knowledge and information about the world around you. In time, those whom you were impressed with by their ability to “stand their ground” will seem more ignorant and intolerant to change, child-like in many ways, than being confident and an expert in their field. Although, always be in awe of those who stand by principle based on current information and will do what is right in the face of adversity without a consensus of the masses. Be weary of the , “back in my day” people who refuse to accept new information that proves the old way maybe was not that great, or really never worked.

You will stand strong on a lot of issues, and then come to many crossroads where you can stay on your current path, stubbornly, ignoring what you have learned, or you will choose to do what is hard, and adjust your approach in light of what you know, admit you were wrong, and change course. To be honest, you will be stubborn at times and take the wrong course of action, but your proudest and toughest moments of your coaching career will be when you evolve. Changing your mind is ok. Do it often. As soon as you stop changing your mind, it means you have stopped thinking. If you stop thinking, you will no longer be an effective coach.

One last thing…

Remember that bitter is one letter away from better. Things will not always go your way, and you will be frustrated often about what you see happening around you in the youth soccer world. You will want to scream at the rain and punch at the wind when you see what some people deem important and unimportant. You will feel like you are making progress by impacting the game and culture in a positive way, and then you will witness actions of coaches, parents, and those entrusted with governing youth sports that make you seriously doubt that real, lasting change, is even possible. You will struggle with being bitter or being better. If you really want to make a difference always choose to be better, not bitter. By doing that, you can do your very small part to make the game you love something others can love as well. You really like quotes, so always remember one of your favorites:

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world;

indeed, it's the only thing that ever has.” - Mead

You are lucky enough to work with such a group of people, so take advantage of the opportunity.

All the best,

Future Tony

P.S. - You are not going to believe this, but you still live in Ohio.

Be the Best Part of the Day

When I was student teaching as part of my requirements to earn my teaching license, I had the opportunity to work in different schools across Columbus and learn from some of the best teachers in the classroom. With all I learned in my time student teaching, there was a defining moment for me one Friday afternoon when I walked into a middle school classroom to do a lesson I prepared. That moment has been the foundation for the way I approach teaching and coaching.

As I entered the room classes were changing, and the kids of the class I was about to teach followed in behind me. It had been a rough day before arriving at the school to teach the class. I woke up late for work that day, and got an ear full from my boss earlier that day. On top of that, a friend who was suppose to be coming in town to visit cancelled at the last second, and I was not feeling well. I had a pounding headache, and I just wanted the day to end. Teaching this class was the last thing I wanted to do.

I guess I was noticeably unhappy by my facial expression, body language or the way I “gently” dropped my bag on the desk. The teacher for the class came over and asked me if everything was ok. I brushed her off with a quick, “I’m fine” and got ready for the lesson as the kids started taking their seats.

As I started class, there were a couple kids in the back of the class taking their sweet time to sit down and get their notebooks out. Although they were probably taking the standard amount of time it takes a teenager to do anything, my current mode was expecting military type precision to my instructions. With the first snap of the last straw of my patience, I screamed, “Sit down.”

Before I got to continue with what was about to come out of my mouth, the teacher quickly stood up and asked me step outside with her. Obviously, this was the last thing I wanted to deal with and was ready to snap on her as well. As soon as the door closed behind us, she changed how I would approach my job from that point on.

She got to eye level with me, and simply said this, “I do not care what is wrong with you, and those kids do not deserve anything less than your best when you step into that room. Leave all the other **** out here. Do not bring it in there with them. This could be the best part of their day, and you can never let yourself be selfish enough to take that from them. Now, you be the adult, and make this a great day for them. Deal with ‘your stuff’ later.”

She was right, and probably why she is one of the best at what she does. I made a promise to myself that I would adhere to what she asked of me, not just while student teaching in her classroom, but each time I have the privilege and opportunity to teach, or coach, a child.

Her point, which she did not make very subtle, was two fold:

1. We cannot be certain what each kid deals with throughout each day. It is possible that a child’s hour with me could be the only positive part of their day.
2. It is up to me to make sure that I do everything I can to make that time the best part of their day, NO MATTER WHAT, without exception.

I have modeled my approach to coaching with this “be the best part of their day” as the foundation of what I do each time I run a training session for a player or group of players.

Before you start to think that I am all about ice cream and skittles during my time coaching kids, that is not the case. I believe you can establish a learning environment with a high level of discipline AND enthusiasm. Any high level training environment requires both of these at all times.

All this means, is that when I step on the field with kids, they always have my undivided attention and I will be focused on helping each kid feel important, empowered, and confident in their ability to learn. They will know that I care about them. I care enough about them to not make the session about anything else except them, and helping them improve.

When you are having a bad day, and you are about to step on the field, although difficult at some times, you need to leave the “bad” in the car before you get out. A player, a child, does not deserve to have their practice spoiled by a coach with a short fuse and irritated demeanor, or a coach who will have less than normal patience or rip into a kid mainly just because he is having a bad day.

All kids fight battles either at home, school, or with friends, at some point throughout the year. Other kids are in a constant battle, some much worse than others. Many of these situations we are not aware of, some we are are, and for those kids, their time at practice or playing a sport is their one place of solace. It is their escape, for a short amount of time doing something they love, from what they are forced to face the rest of the day.

By making a player’s time with you the best part of the day, it does not just make it a great experience, and possible refuge, for the kid, but it also makes you a much better coach. This is a key characteristic of the best coaches. They are fully engaged and committed to each player to make sure they are challenged and enjoy training and working towards a goal.

I think back to my best coaches, and teachers, and it was very hard to ever tell what type of day they were having at any given moment. There was a steadfast consistency to what my experience was going to be like in their classroom or on the soccer field. There were very few, if any, shocking moments for these teachers and coaches that were completely out of character. It is what made their classrooms and training sessions “safe places” where I wanted to be, learn, and work incredibly hard.

In the end, to be the “best part of the day” for the kids you teach or coach is a simple, but powerful, philosophy and approach to the most important profession. Teachers and coaches, at times, spend more time with kids during the day, than anyone else. By taking this approach, not only will you make an incredible difference in more kids’ lives, but the kids will learn more, work harder, and have a terrific example to model their behavior after. As this is an important approach for teachers, it is something we should all strive for when it comes to those we interact with each day… friends, family, and even complete strangers.