The Wrong Message

This article is in response to a disheartening conversation I had with a local youth soccer coach. He is part of a club who is trying to do the right things for the youngest age groups by providing a playing and training experiences that are age and developmentally appropriate. They are trying to create an environment where players can flourish while learning to play this game. They are providing a platform for games and training that goes against traditional leagues and archaic approaches used by many. For as much progress as I feel we are making in our community and across the country, I am continuously baffled by adults who not only want to put kids in an environment that is inappropriate for their age and level of play, but consistently send kids the wrong message that I feel is detrimental to their development on and off the soccer field. In short, the coach has arranged inter-squad games for all the teams in the club’s age group. The kids are intermixed among teams and play games against one another. The coaches referee the games, and use the opportunity to stop the games at teachable moments to help the kids learn. This type of game environment is fantastic for the young age groups as it allows them to compete against and with different players, and expand their understanding of how to play the game. The coaches can influence the games to make sure the environment is developmentally appropriate and challenging for the players. Upon hearing that these were inter-squad friendlies, the coach received many emails and calls from parents letting him know that their child would not be there. The most common reason given to the coach was, “It is not a real game, so I do not think it is important.” If you need a visual image of my reaction to hearing that, just picture me banging my head repeatedly against a wall. Where to start…. First, this sends the absolute wrong message to the player. At some point, the player will wonder why he is not going to the event. If the parents are being honest, they will tell the player, “Well because it is not a game, so it is not important for you to go. We are going to do something else.” When there are conflicts in schedules and kids have to miss a soccer practice or game, that is completely understandable, but to just choose not to go because it is decided it is not important is a completely different situation. What message does this send to the player? The only thing that really matters is games. Anything that is not a “real game” or does not count is not important. Is that the message we want to send to kids? If this is the message, it will be difficult to get the players to put forth effort in practice or encourage the them to play and practice on their own. Why would they? It is not important. Why would they waste their time? They will just put effort in and show up when it matters. Only for the games. As that is what has been taught. Isn't this approach a little backwards? I do not think a parent would tell a child that everything done in the classroom is not important until it is time to take the test. No matter how much effort the child shows or how much he wants to do well on the test, the fact that little effort and importance was given to the preparation for the test, the child will be set up to fail. But that is obvious right? It would be irrational and silly to think the child would do well on the test without proper preparation and learning leading up to it. If the child “skipped” all the unimportant lessons before the test, the test will quickly and harshly show the importance of those lessons. In my mind, everything that a player does outside of a “real game” is the most important part of their development. It is the preparation and training, the opportunities to improve, that are really the most critical moments for players, and that is what each player needs to understand. And parents need to support that message. Without that message being supported, when kids do compete, they will be unprepared. There will be a lack of ability to play the game, and a lack the ability to compete. Secondly, kids cannot just show up and want to compete when they think it matters. Competitors do not just compete on game day. We want kids to compete and give their best effort at all times. A message that has a resounding positive impact on all aspects of their lives. You do not just “show up” some of the time. You show up and work hard all the time. Whether they are playing on their own, at practice, or in a championship game, their effort and focus, should not fluctuate. Competitiveness and drive to do well and have success should be the same no matter what the circumstances. Frankly, it is a mindset that cannot be turned on by just flicking a switch when convenient. The toughest competitors I have ever played with or against played just as hard or harder in training or on their own as they did in the game. Why? They knew it was critical for them to get better, and they needed to develop their ability to compete at all times. When you start picking and choosing when you will do your best, you run the risk of picking and choosing the wrong times. But there is never a wrong time to give your best effort. As my coach said to me, “When you play, anywhere or at anytime, you never know who is watching, but most importantly, you should always play and compete in a way that makes you proud.” You cannot expect kids to approach the game, or other things more important than soccer, this way when we start telling them it only matters when a score is recorded, credit is given, or there is some type of reward. In reality, it is every moment leading up to that moment that is much more important, and that is what we hope each child will recognize so they do have success when it counts. That is the message we want to send kids...that their best effort is always required. It is what life demands of all of us. Do not pick and choose when you can give 25% or 75% effort. If you are going to do it, the effort is always your best. That is a sign of a true competitor, on and off the field, and someone who takes pride in everything thing they do. I feel most parents want their child to improve and learn how to play the game. If so, why would we label training and playing opportunities designed to help kids improve as “not important” because it is not a real game? If that is the case, why show up to any practice, ask kids to play or practice on their own, or participate in anything with a soccer ball unless it is a game. Unless there is an opposing team, a referee, and the score is going to be recorded for league standings, it is not important or worth your time going is the message being sent. Obviously this idea, goes way beyond the soccer field. The wrong message is letting kids believe that some aspects of learning or developing any skill are more important than others. When in reality, there are no short cuts, and everything is important. I think this is a key trait of very successful people. They pay attention and give effort at the same level to the small details as they do to the major ones, and in their mind, they probably do not see a difference between the two. If it is a step, even a small one, to help them reach their goal, it is critical and it is approached that way. This is probably why successful people are also labeled as “zealots” in a lot of ways because of their attention and effort to details that most people see as irrelevant or not important. Although it may seem strange to most, true competitors know different and it shows in their results. Again, this is not a rant about kids missing practice. This is about prioritizing what a player attends because some things are seen as more important than others. Kids will miss practice because families are busy and there are conflicts with other activities. This is not only acceptable, but it should be expected. What was heart breaking about this is that the coach was trying to create a playing opportunity for the kids that will help them get better, and parents made a choice for their kids not to attend because they decided it was not important. Since it was not a real game, it was not important enough to show up. If we want kids to be successful when they compete, then everything leading up to that is important. And that is the right message to send, and one that will help the kids have success in anything they choose to do.