The Difference that Makes the Difference

Over the years of training players of many different age groups and a range of abilities, one of my goals is to always make the training session challenging and enjoyable for the players. It has been my experience that when players find the activities challenging and are having fun, the players show the most amount of effort and focus. The difficult part of building a training session is combining both of those elements in a balanced and effective way. Challenging can mean a lot of things, and it is not hard to make any activity challenging. The hard part is making an activity APPROPRIATELY challenging for the player. The same is true for the enjoyment. It is easy to make a session enjoyable. Play “World Cup” with the players and they will be smiling ear to ear. Fun is necessary for development, but fun does not always mean that development is taking place. The difference that makes all the difference in an outstanding training session and development opportunity is challenging the player appropriately and making it enjoyable for the players without a loss of purpose.

Optimal learning occurs when an activity is just outside of a player’s current ability level. Meaning, the player is going to have to stretch his limits slightly to accomplish what is being asked. If the task is out of reach and completely not feasible due to current level or age (cognitive ability), then frustration will firmly take hold and the players will shut down. If it is too easy, there will be a lack of focus and players can develop poor training habits and technique.

Think of it this way... if your friend was an expert mountain climber and he asked you to go climb with him, what do you think a reasonable approach to teaching you would be? If he wants you to immediately take on an inverted cliff that is only for experts, it will probably be something you decline to try and you will not enjoy yourself. If he underestimates your ability and you spend the day walking up a slight incline on the side of a hill, you may find yourself bored and a little insulted by your friends opinion of your capabilities.

If he brought you to a climbing area that is appropriate for your level, and a little challenging, you will not only be willing to climb, but you will also learn more and enjoy yourself.

If a training activity is not going well and the kids are struggling with it to the point they begin to shut down or stop trying, there is a chance that I asked them to do something that is either too far out of their reach or possibly too easy. Coaches often mistakenly just take it as the kids being lazy or there is a lack of focus, and the coach may attempted to be corrected it through running or yelling. The kids could be having a bad day and not really focusing, but more often than not, the reason for a lack of effort is due to the appropriateness of the activity.

All activities can be tweaked to be more difficult or more simple to make it more appropriate for the players. When the challenge is appropriate, the players’ work ethic will improve. A challenge being appropriate keeps success in reach which keeps kids motivated to achieve the goal of the activity. When it is too easy, the goal has already been achieved. When it is too hard, the goal looks miles away with no clear path to get there. Keeping the activity appropriately challenging shows the path keeps the goal in sight and a guided path on how to get there.

The benefit of the activity being appropriate challenging makes it enjoyable for the kids. They have more fun trying to learn the skills, even if they fail at first, because they can see they are not that far off. I have used the example of video games before. If a level was impossible to beat, it would not be very fun to play. When a level is difficult but the kids make progress and keep getting closer and closer to beating it, they cannot wait to try again after they fail. Not to mention, they are probably having a blast. On the flip side, if the level was really easy and they beat it on the first try, I am sure the kids would think that level was boring. If the entire game was like that, they would probably stop playing.

Since enjoying training is part of making it optimal for learning to make that key difference in development for the players, the coach has to make an effort to make the sessions fun. Part of that, as already has been explained, is the activities being appropriately challenging. The other part of it is making sure the environment, while being competitive, is a place where the kids can feel safe to compete.

Fun is a slippery slope at training, as it can be in any situation. All coaches want their players to enjoy training, but it needs to be done in the context of the learning goals for the session. For example, a coach can have their team just “scrimmage” all session. Although there are some things developmentally good about that, and the players will have fun (at first), does that help the players reach their individual and team goals? Players would have fun at first but if the coach continuously just had the kids play at practice, and did little else, even that will eventually become boring for the players.

More importantly, although the activity is a lot of fun, how is it helping the players move closer towards their developmental goals? When kids play, they want to get better. When they come to training, they want to be challenged to move beyond what they currently do. Fun can quickly cause players to lose focus due to being too distracted from the task at hand or become bored as the “fun” has no direction.

Fun is important, but it has to add focus to the session. Not take it away. When the coach can make activities competitive and fun for the kids, while being appropriate challenging, the coach has created the best possible learning environment for the kids. The most enjoyable training sessions kids participate in are ones that fit this criteria. The coach challenged them, encouraged them, had fun with them, and provided an environment that would help them get better.

When designing your training sessions, do not create a session that is too complicated and far beyond your players’ ability levels. Also, avoid creating a session that is just nothing more than a series of Knock Out and World Cup type of activities. Although they are fun at times, they should be used as part of a means to the end, or in other words, a way to help players get to their next development level. It is easy to make a practice too hard or too easy. The difficult part of coaching, where the skill of craft resides, is being able to develop training sessions that make players train just slightly beyond their current level and they do it with a smile. That is the difference that will make all the difference for your players.

Things That Last

At the end of the each season, it is normal to try to take inventory of what was gained or lost over the course of the year. Each athlete who participates in sports gains something throughout the season. Either the player improved his ability and skill, understanding of how to play, became psychologically a tougher competitor, or grew stronger and faster. These are all important aspects of a player’s development that the player will be able to apply to the next season which will help him have more success in the coming years. In addition, we hope the player loves the game more now than when the season started, and that his hunger and joy to play have both grown and are insatiable.

But what about when there is not a next season? What about when the player is done competing, and playing sports is something that is in the rear-view mirror? At that point, what will the player take with him to help him move on to the next step in life? In other words… what really lasts? When there are no more games to play, here are a couple things that will stay with any athlete who had the courage to compete and learn how to play a game:

Active and Healthy Lifestyle

This may be the most obvious, but it is one of the most important things that lasts from playing sports, or I hope lasts for all players, as it positively affects all other areas of an athlete’s life. By playing sports, players tend to learn a great deal about the benefits of exercise, eating right, getting enough sleep, and other healthy habits. This may be more true in some sports than others, but the hope is that the feeling of being in good shape, working hard, getting a good sweat, and that rush from pushing harder and a little farther than you thought was possible never goes away. In a small way, staying active is an avenue a former athlete can use to still compete, either against others or himself.

When an athlete leaves a hard practice or game, there is sense of accomplishment. A great feeling of how the body was pushed and feels stronger. Sometimes after a great game or training session, athletes feel like they can accomplish anything. It is a feeling athletes try to recreate by staying active or seeking out new physical challenges by staying active.

As a coach, this is one thing I really hope sticks for all players. I hope they stay active, and do not allow themselves to let unhealthy habits overcome healthy ones and an active lifestyle they have spent most of their lives being a part of in sports. Outside the lessons and skills of the game, these lessons, I believe are some of the most important for athletes to learn as they can be used throughout the rest of their lives.

Ability to Struggle Positively

Over the course of a playing career, all players will struggle... often. It is part of playing sports. It is expected, and overtime, athletes learn how to struggle positively. They embrace the struggle, look forward to it, feed off it, and understand it is required to improve. In fact, when there is no struggle, and there is no turmoil, it can cause more unrest as the athlete becomes concerned there is no opportunity for growth. They seek out the struggle. They look for paths of the most resistance rather than the least resistance. Not because they don’t know how to work smarter than others, but they know that usually the path of least resistance does not lead them to where they want to go. As it never has before.

With this in mind, athletes develop the skills required to struggle positively. They do not get bogged down or quit when things get hard. They struggle with a smile, and they learn to do it playing the game they love. It is not something they were taught. They had to do it in order to survive on the playing field, and it is what is required to survive the game of "life."

The Need to Help Others

Being a part of a team develops a need to help others that becomes a part of who players are for the rest of their lives. For a team to be successful, everyone must help one another to earn success as a group. A player learns to recognize success, not in just what they accomplish, but what they can help and inspire others to accomplish. To be able to help someone else achieve something they could not do on their own, is more rewarding than any other type of individual accomplishment. To feel whole, to feel successful, can only be achieved by helping others do the same.

This need to serve a greater cause outside of their own interests is part of why former athletes are often very active in their communities and serving others. It is what helped them be successful when they played, and it is what will help them be successful when they are done playing making influential contributions in their communities.

Willingness to Accept Help

This is the flip side of helping others on a team. Being a part of a team, a player needs to accept help from others. They learn they can achieve more with the help of others than they could ever do on their own. Many people refuse to accept help from others as they see it as a sign of weakness or openly admitting they cannot do it alone.

Through playing on a team, a player learns that accepting help is a sign of strength, and an indication of a greater understanding of what it takes to accomplish extraordinary things. They do not just accept help when offered, they often seek it out. Again, when talking about sports and teamwork, the willingness to help others and the willingness to accept help are two key habits that will benefit players for the rest of their lives.

Competition

The ability and willingness to compete is a necessary characteristic of any successful individual. This is not defined by an overwhelming need to win, but the courage to try to reach beyond what they are currently capable of doing, moving into an uncomfortable place, where they could fail. In short, being competitive means they have the courage to take risks. They have the courage to lose, and know how to overcome it. That is what defines a "competitive" person, and it is something I hope all athletes take away from the competition of sports.

Through sports, kids learn how to compete. They do not shy away from what is hard because they might fail. Instead, the embrace the difficulty and do their best even if it is not good enough win. They do not have a fear of failure. They have a fear of what would happen if they did not even try, and that is what it means to compete.

What it Means to Love

I saved this for last as I feel it is one of the most important things players learn from sports. It is often believed that loving something is easy and it only comes with happy feelings and the only is part of the best moments of your life. What is not talked about is the other side of love. The side of loving something that brings heart-ache and the hardest times a person will go through. With the highs and the joy comes the deepest lows and indescribable anguish.

But that is what it means to love. To love something you are willing to sacrifice for it, and even when it hurts you the most, your commitment to what you love never waivers. For something you do not love, maybe just “like” a lot, you will quickly walk away from it when things get hard or you do not get anything in return. But that is not love. To love something you give it your all without expecting anything in return.

Players who truly love to play a game learn this lesson, and learn how and what it takes to love. Often the game is their first love, and they are protective of it and committed to it. It gives them great pleasure and happiness to play, and even on their worst days, they would never want to be anywhere else. Overtime, they find out the reward for loving something so deeply is not what they get in return, but what they are able to give because of how much they love.

For me, this is the most important thing that can last from a child’s experience playing sports once all of their seasons are over.

Need More Than One Club In Your Bag

When working to improve a player’s finishing, the most important part is helping the player choose the right shot when going to goal. Although striking the ball well, with proper technique, power and accuracy are all important, a brilliantly struck ball with great technique, power, and accuracy can still not produce a goal. Finishing is not just striking the ball harder. It is more about striking the ball SMARTER. Just like a golfer cannot show up at the golf course with only his driver in the bag and expect to do well, a player cannot hit every shot on goal with just power and expect to score. Like a great golfer, you need a lot of different clubs in your bag to hit the right shot, at the right time, when the game demands it from you.

Watch a highlight reel of some of the best finishers of the game. Is every goal a laser hit from outside the penalty area into the side netting? I would bet that most of the goals are not scored that way. If you study the world’s best goal scorers, most goals are scored by the player being very aware of his surroundings and then taking the RIGHT shot to beat the defenders and the goalkeeper. Sometimes this type of shot is hit low and hard to the corner, sometimes it is a chip over a goalkeeper’s head, or possibly a ball hit with some bend to move outside of the goalkeeper’s reach and into the side netting. In all of these scenarios, the player made a decision about what type of shot he was going to hit based on what was going on in the game. Picking the right shot, at the right time, can create a moment of brilliance when the player finds the back of the net in an unexpected way.

Players who are not as savvy around the goal, probably would have just pulled out the driver and just hit the ball as hard as possible at the goal. By trying to strike the ball hard, the player will either miss the mark completely, or the ball’s path makes it easy for a goalkeeper to cut down the angle and make the save. A well positioned goalkeeper is very hard to beat by just hitting the ball hard.

Like a great golfer, great goal scorers look at the shot they need to hit, pick the right type of club (part of the foot/position of the foot), decide how hard they need to swing, and if they need the ball to be low, high, or curve the ball left or right. Then they try to hit that shot. A soccer player needs to do it in a fraction of a second while the golfer has some more time to think about it, and often, both do not hit the exact shot they would have liked. Even the best in the world, golfers and soccer players, miss the target more often than they hit it. Although they get a lot closer, more consistently than anyone else.

When working with players on finishing, this is what we are really trying to get them to learn. Not to just strike the ball hard with great power and accuracy, but to also pick the right shot at the right time to give themselves the best chance to score. A technically perfectly hit shot with great power and accuracy can still give the player little chance to score, but a well hit shot that makes sense in relation to where the player is to the goal, where the ball is in relation to the player, and where the goalkeepers and defenders are standing gives the player the best chance to have success.

Most players do not have the discipline from close range to use the inside or outside of the foot to slot the ball past a goalkeeper in the corner. Even from 10 yards away, the player steps in to try to hit the ball with an incredible amount of force that often causes the technique to break down. It is completely unnecessary to get that much power, but most players fail to see that causing them to miss easier goal scoring chances.

I get it. Hitting the ball hard is a lot of fun, but there are no bonus points for how fast the ball is going when it hits the back of the net.

On the flip side, when players are farther from goal, they need the ability and courage to not just step in and strike the ball hard, but try to aim at a part of the goal and hit the ball with more power. From distance, the goalkeeper has much more time to move to the ball, so a shot needs to have the right path, velocity, and be aimed at a target on the goal that keeps the ball as far away from the goalkeeper’s reach as possible until the ball crosses the white line. Most players are afraid to miss the target, so they hit a straight shot at the middle of the goal giving them little chance to score.

It is my preference for a player to give himself the best chance to score by aiming away from the goalkeeper rather than just hitting it somewhere on frame. I would rather see the player miss the target trying to give himself a chance to score than hit the goalkeeper in the hands with the ball because he is afraid to miss. I am not looking for a shot on goal. I want a player to try to score. Those are two different approaches.

On top of this, finishing is just another form of ball striking. It is the same as passing. All throughout a game, players pick their teammates out from different distances, often with incredible accuracy, when passing and moving the ball around the field. But when they get the chance to score, the mentality changes. A player who can drive a ball 30 yards to a teammate and hit him in the chest without the player having to move cannot hit the side of the goal from 10 yards away. Does that make sense?

Often in training, I will stand in the goal and tell players, “Pass me the ball.” One after the other, the players step up and play an accurate ball to my feet or drive a ball into my chest. Strange, those “passes” would all be brilliant finishes going to goal. What has changed? The approach and mentality of the player.

When passing, players, like a good golfer, are more concerned with getting the ball accurately to the target. With that in mind, players are more likely to “to pick the right club” and the right pass of the ball to get it to a teammate with pace and accuracy. When passing, players tend not to just blast the ball in the direction of their teammates hoping it gets there. Instead, they are much more calculated, and their consistency and accuracy are much better.

If players can take the same approach to finishing, realize they have more than just “one club in their bag”, it will make them much more efficient at putting the ball in the back of the net. Instead of the players only taking out their driver in front of the goal, they will utilize the other clubs in the bag to hit the correct shot to give themselves the best chance to score. As stated above, most players already do this in regards to passing and moving the ball around the field to their teammates, so the ability is there.

Like a great golfer, great goal scorers can hit the shot they need, when they need it, during a game to give themselves the best chance to score. Helping players become great finishers is not just about striking the ball harder or more accurate. It is about helping them to hit the ball SMARTER and picking the right shot, at the right time, that can create a brilliant moment when the ball hits the back of the net.

Development Requires Competition

Often when talking about development and soccer players, it is assumed you are reducing the importance of trying to win or the will to compete for the players. Since development is the focus, than whether you win or lose is irrelevant, right? No matter what, after each game, everyone is given a gold star, ice cream cone, and patted on the back and told they are great. The kids should feel no different after a loss than they do after a win. Results do not matter, so who cares who won, right? In reality, nothing can be further from the truth. In fact, competition is at the heart of development and learning.

When I was a kid, part of the reason I trained so hard was because I hated to lose. I still to this day despise losing at anything. With that in mind, I also had a coach who made it crystal clear that in order to give myself the best chance to have success, I had to get better. It is not enough to show up at a game and want to win really really really badly. It is not enough to show up and just feel like you can work harder than everyone else on game day and expect to get positive results. From early on, my coaches, and parents, made me earn every ounce of success I had on the field by helping me understand it would be a direct result of what I was learning and how I was improving.

Part of any player’s development is learning how to compete, and what is required to have success on the field. The problem is that kids can be set up and put into situations by adults to have success without earning it, to be set up to win without having to compete. I call it “bumper bowling success.” By manipulating the kids’ actions or the challenges of their environment to make things easier or only asking them to do what they already can, success is handed to players. The success is not earned.

When players are set up to succeed, they are not really being asked to compete at all. Although a player can have success initially, eventually without the development and learning, the success will end. The player may have assumed he was getting better due to the wins or positive reinforcement from the coach or parents, but all of a sudden he will find himself in a situation where he has no chance of being successful. Without the fundamental skills to play the game, there is no way he can compete. Not only will he not know how to compete, the player will also lack the tools to even give himself a chance.

Is there a crueler thing to do to a child? Make them believe they are heading down the right path, when actually, they are going the wrong way.

It is really a simple concept. The players all need, and should, develop a desire to win when they play. But, you know what, if they want to win, then they need to learn how to play and earn it. They need to compete the right way and try to finish first. That is how life works. There is no logic in wanting to win and not wanting to learn the skills needed to play. This is true in school, business, sports, and every aspect of life. You should want to do well and want to have success. Not for the sake of the success, but for the fact that is the standard you hold yourself too. And that is what kids need to learn. If you do not want to learn how to play soccer, you do not want to learn how to control the ball, dribble, pass, receive, defend, move off the ball, and everything else needed to play, then you really do not want to compete at all. You really do not have a strong enough desire to win because you are not willing to do what is necessary to win, not once, not just now, but for as long as you play.

Winners, true competitors, win because they work harder than their competition to get better. They want to win, so they know they need to get better. They work hard, get better, and win they win more than those who do not. As they win, the competition gets tougher so they still strive to continue to improve.

When players do lose, there are plenty of lessons from the loss that need to be addressed and learned by the players and the coach. A "development-first" focus is not saying, “Hey, we lost. No big deal.” There is no room for learning or development in that statement. Developing players is using those times to look at the games and identify where the team and each player need to improve to get better. Again, development is key. The players are asked to reflect on what went well and what did not, and how can they replicate the things that worked and improve on the things that are currently out of their reach.

On the other side, a loss does not mean that the game was a waste, and that is where the line is drawn. Those who just want to win, and do not care about development, fail to find the important takeaways from those games. The only thing focused on is the fact that the player or team lost. If a team loses but the players are executing and utilizing skills learned throughout the week with the coach, then there is success there that needs to be recognized and acknowledged.

When any player or team tries new skills or tactical approaches on the field, it does not work perfectly the first time or the first full season attempting what is being learned. While trying to learn those skills, the players and team expose themselves to a higher possibility they will lose some games. Not until they have mastered those skills will the players have the best shot at winning playing that way and using the new skills.

This is where the lessons are found when a player loses. Those lessons are what they take back with them to training to work on to improve before next game. If the approach is “who cares that we lost,” then it does not give the kids goals to work towards at the next training session. On the flip side, if the kids are just scolded for losing and their attempt to use those skills are not recognized and praised, then what is their motivation to continue to get better at those skills or try them again?

In training and in games, competition is key for player development. The drive to win and have success on the field is connected to the drive to improve and get better at the game. A player cannot only focus on one or the other as it would not allow the player to develop. If a player just wants to win, but is not willing to train to improve, there will be no development and winning is not possible. If a player just wants to get better but does not want to win, then they have no reason to use what they are learning. If you cannot use what you are learning, why learn it? And frankly, if you do not want to win, there is no reason to play.

Competition is healthy when it is presented in the correct way to the players. We cannot ask kids to compete without giving them the tools to play the game, and we cannot ask them to develop the tools if we do not want them to compete. It is when winning is the only goal and the development is sacrificed in order to take short cuts to help players “cheat” themselves into a win and out of getting better that competition is grossly warped by adult influence.

The purest form of competition can be found in the streets and parks when kids play pick up on their own. With no adults or added external pressure, the kids will still compete because they want to win. Because they want to win, they will take risks, take charge, and assert themselves into the game. This is part of why “free play” is an important part of player development. Free play creates some of the most competitive environments kids will find themselves playing.

When someone mentions favoring a player development focus over a focus on winning, it does not mean that winning is not important. It usually means that the goal is to develop players which requires learning how to compete and win games, but there is no room for taking shortcuts to win a game if you want to create an environment to develop players. As with a developmental approach, it is understood there are no shortcuts to developing players but plenty of short cuts to win games.

The Wrong Message

This article is in response to a disheartening conversation I had with a local youth soccer coach. He is part of a club who is trying to do the right things for the youngest age groups by providing a playing and training experiences that are age and developmentally appropriate. They are trying to create an environment where players can flourish while learning to play this game. They are providing a platform for games and training that goes against traditional leagues and archaic approaches used by many. For as much progress as I feel we are making in our community and across the country, I am continuously baffled by adults who not only want to put kids in an environment that is inappropriate for their age and level of play, but consistently send kids the wrong message that I feel is detrimental to their development on and off the soccer field. In short, the coach has arranged inter-squad games for all the teams in the club’s age group. The kids are intermixed among teams and play games against one another. The coaches referee the games, and use the opportunity to stop the games at teachable moments to help the kids learn. This type of game environment is fantastic for the young age groups as it allows them to compete against and with different players, and expand their understanding of how to play the game. The coaches can influence the games to make sure the environment is developmentally appropriate and challenging for the players. Upon hearing that these were inter-squad friendlies, the coach received many emails and calls from parents letting him know that their child would not be there. The most common reason given to the coach was, “It is not a real game, so I do not think it is important.” If you need a visual image of my reaction to hearing that, just picture me banging my head repeatedly against a wall. Where to start…. First, this sends the absolute wrong message to the player. At some point, the player will wonder why he is not going to the event. If the parents are being honest, they will tell the player, “Well because it is not a game, so it is not important for you to go. We are going to do something else.” When there are conflicts in schedules and kids have to miss a soccer practice or game, that is completely understandable, but to just choose not to go because it is decided it is not important is a completely different situation. What message does this send to the player? The only thing that really matters is games. Anything that is not a “real game” or does not count is not important. Is that the message we want to send to kids? If this is the message, it will be difficult to get the players to put forth effort in practice or encourage the them to play and practice on their own. Why would they? It is not important. Why would they waste their time? They will just put effort in and show up when it matters. Only for the games. As that is what has been taught. Isn't this approach a little backwards? I do not think a parent would tell a child that everything done in the classroom is not important until it is time to take the test. No matter how much effort the child shows or how much he wants to do well on the test, the fact that little effort and importance was given to the preparation for the test, the child will be set up to fail. But that is obvious right? It would be irrational and silly to think the child would do well on the test without proper preparation and learning leading up to it. If the child “skipped” all the unimportant lessons before the test, the test will quickly and harshly show the importance of those lessons. In my mind, everything that a player does outside of a “real game” is the most important part of their development. It is the preparation and training, the opportunities to improve, that are really the most critical moments for players, and that is what each player needs to understand. And parents need to support that message. Without that message being supported, when kids do compete, they will be unprepared. There will be a lack of ability to play the game, and a lack the ability to compete. Secondly, kids cannot just show up and want to compete when they think it matters. Competitors do not just compete on game day. We want kids to compete and give their best effort at all times. A message that has a resounding positive impact on all aspects of their lives. You do not just “show up” some of the time. You show up and work hard all the time. Whether they are playing on their own, at practice, or in a championship game, their effort and focus, should not fluctuate. Competitiveness and drive to do well and have success should be the same no matter what the circumstances. Frankly, it is a mindset that cannot be turned on by just flicking a switch when convenient. The toughest competitors I have ever played with or against played just as hard or harder in training or on their own as they did in the game. Why? They knew it was critical for them to get better, and they needed to develop their ability to compete at all times. When you start picking and choosing when you will do your best, you run the risk of picking and choosing the wrong times. But there is never a wrong time to give your best effort. As my coach said to me, “When you play, anywhere or at anytime, you never know who is watching, but most importantly, you should always play and compete in a way that makes you proud.” You cannot expect kids to approach the game, or other things more important than soccer, this way when we start telling them it only matters when a score is recorded, credit is given, or there is some type of reward. In reality, it is every moment leading up to that moment that is much more important, and that is what we hope each child will recognize so they do have success when it counts. That is the message we want to send kids...that their best effort is always required. It is what life demands of all of us. Do not pick and choose when you can give 25% or 75% effort. If you are going to do it, the effort is always your best. That is a sign of a true competitor, on and off the field, and someone who takes pride in everything thing they do. I feel most parents want their child to improve and learn how to play the game. If so, why would we label training and playing opportunities designed to help kids improve as “not important” because it is not a real game? If that is the case, why show up to any practice, ask kids to play or practice on their own, or participate in anything with a soccer ball unless it is a game. Unless there is an opposing team, a referee, and the score is going to be recorded for league standings, it is not important or worth your time going is the message being sent. Obviously this idea, goes way beyond the soccer field. The wrong message is letting kids believe that some aspects of learning or developing any skill are more important than others. When in reality, there are no short cuts, and everything is important. I think this is a key trait of very successful people. They pay attention and give effort at the same level to the small details as they do to the major ones, and in their mind, they probably do not see a difference between the two. If it is a step, even a small one, to help them reach their goal, it is critical and it is approached that way. This is probably why successful people are also labeled as “zealots” in a lot of ways because of their attention and effort to details that most people see as irrelevant or not important. Although it may seem strange to most, true competitors know different and it shows in their results. Again, this is not a rant about kids missing practice. This is about prioritizing what a player attends because some things are seen as more important than others. Kids will miss practice because families are busy and there are conflicts with other activities. This is not only acceptable, but it should be expected. What was heart breaking about this is that the coach was trying to create a playing opportunity for the kids that will help them get better, and parents made a choice for their kids not to attend because they decided it was not important. Since it was not a real game, it was not important enough to show up. If we want kids to be successful when they compete, then everything leading up to that is important. And that is the right message to send, and one that will help the kids have success in anything they choose to do.

Can Parents Be Objective

No. Parents cannot be objective when it comes to their child. I have only been a dad for a short time, and I already know I will never be completely objective when it comes to my kids. My opinions about them or reactions to situations involving them will always be influenced by the fact that they are my kids. Even when consciously trying to be objective, parents still fall short as they cannot sever all emotion when it comes to their child. To not have any type of bias for their child is a completely unrealistic and unreasonable expectation to put on a parent. As I heard one parent put it, “My child is my heart. When I look at him, I see my heart outside of my body running around on the field playing.” Not only a heartwarming sentiment, it is probably an accurate description of how most parents see their kids. If this is true, can coaches really ever expect a parent to approach a situation as objective as they would like? Instead of expecting parents to view a situation from only a coach's perspective, a coach can utilize a parent's subjective perspective to help do a better job in coaching the parent's child.

First, by having an open understanding of how parents will react to some decisions will help a coach avoid approaching situations with parents regarding their child with a combative, “I don’t understand what your problem is,” attitude. By having empathy to how a parent can be over protective and sensitive to how their child is treated or made to feel, a coach can communicate in a way that shows he understands the parent's feelings versus communicating in a manner that dismisses their feelings as nothing more than just irrational.

Great youth coaches are not just good at relating and teaching players. Great coaches are also exceptional at communicating and collaborating with parents of the players on the team. From the beginning, excellent youth coach do not take a “you vs. me” approach with the parents when it comes to helping the kids. Instead, they understand they have a very important role, and the parents are showing a tremendous amount of trust to allow the coach to be a part of their child’s soccer development.

When there are bumps in the road over the course of the season, it is inevitable there will be disagreements between the coach and parents. It should be expected, not a surprise. Most of those "bumps in the road" will be the way something is perceived by a parent that happened or may not be happening with their child. It is natural that parents have an urge to protect their children. It is a healthy urge and it is probably better than not caring at all. Being too far on the other side of the protective spectrum of protectiveness is not beneficial for the player, but I believe most parents fall in the middle.

Coaches run into trouble when they treat parents who have concerns like irrational people who are bordering on a psychotic episode versus treating an upset parent like an upset parent. When working with parents, I try to approach it from three perspectives:

1. How did I see it?
2. How did the parents see it?
3. How did the player experience it?

When meeting with a parent about their child, by looking at all three of these perspectives, understanding the reasoning behind them, it helps find an appropriate resolution for everyone, and most importantly, it will benefit the player. When parents know that you care about how they perceive what is going on (even if you don't agree), you try to work with them to help them understand your perspective (even though they might not agree), and provide insight into what is going on with their child, it creates transparency in the process for everyone involved. It allows everyone to begin to see the same picture and share an understanding of each others expectations. Although understanding does not equate agreement and full support, understanding allows for a mutual respect of each person’s perspective.

There is no benefit to anyone for a coach to simply dismiss a parent’s frustration as the parent being irrational or just believe the parent does not get it. On the flip side, it does not benefit anyone for the parent to immediately believe a coach is "out to get" their child or is intentionally treating their child unfairly. Although both could be true, I think part of a youth coach’s job is to help parents work through some of the frustrations they are bound to experience as their child plays sports, and the parents need to listen to the coach's rational for his approach before jumping to conclusions. As parents get more frustrated and the coach becomes less responsive, the only person who really begins to suffer is the player. There are times when there will never be agreement between the coach and the parent, but a mutual respect can be established and kept with open lines of communication and a willingness to see things from another person's perspective.

Coaches cannot head into a season thinking parents are going to be objective about what goes on with their child. When coaches do, and seem shocked or angered by a parent’s reaction, then they are also not being objective in the way they are interpreting the situation. The coaches are only viewing it from their own point of view about how they think the parent should feel or act. The coaches are not opening up their own understanding of where the parents are coming from in regards to their child.

When I was not a parent, it was harder for me to ask this question, but I ask it now all the time, “If that was my child, how would I react?” Even if I would react differently, it starts me thinking from the parent’s perspective and helps me anticipate how a parent will perceive my actions. This either convinces me to take a different course of action, or if I still feel what I did or need to do is right, I find a way that would help me as a parent understand the decision that was made. In essence, what would I want or need to hear if that was my kid?

I am not giving parents a pass to just overreact to everything that happens to their child. As stated, although it is expected parents will not be completely objective when it comes to their child, it can be expected for parents to listen to a coach's reason behind decisions before forming their own conclusions. Honestly, I do not think that is how most parents approach things with their child anyway. The problem is some parents do go overboard, and they do not try to talk with the coach and just jump to conclusions. Then other parents, who want to address a concern the right way, are treated like an irrational parent by the coach when a concerned is raised. Most parents have rational concerns when it comes to their kids, and the coach can, and should, be there to help alleviate those concerns or be a sounding board for parents to express their concerns. By working together, the coach and parents become partners, not adversaries, in the child’s soccer experience.

So, again, can parents be objective? For the most part, no, but I know many try to be to some degree. But you know what? Most coaches have a hard time being objective too although they try to be. With that in mind, how about we all put aside our pride and fear of being wrong, and be willing to work together to improve the child’s soccer experience by seeing things through a wider and more comprehensive lens than just our own biased view. The coaches and parents who approach issues with mutual respect for each other's subjective view points find it easier to come work together in the best interest of the player.

Team or Club

Does your child identify with being part of a team or a club? Both? In youth soccer, players are normally assigned to teams and they stick with those teams throughout the entire year. Although part of a larger club, the players primarily only interact with the players on their team and their coach. Often, these teams operate independently of other teams within the same age group or the next age group up or down, and rarely have interaction with players outside of their developmental age band or the coaches who work with those groups. Although all players are part of the same club, a player’s experience can be isolated to just a single team or coach.

Unlike clubs in other parts of the world, where players are developed as part of an entire club vision and culture, in the United States, it is more common to find players being developed within the confines of a team or single group of players isolated from others. Does a U10 player in Barcelona’s program see himself as a player on the U10 team or on “Coach Smith’s Team?” Probably not. I am confident the culture and program encourages the player to see himself as part of the club, and as part of an entire program. The player will feel a connection, not just to the players of his age group, but all the players up to the senior team.

If your child is part of a “club”, than the player would identify with not just the players on his team, but would find a sense of family and community among the entire organization. The players get to interact on a consistent basis with other players throughout the club structure. All coaches and players would see each other as responsible for the success of the entire group, not just a single team. They understand they are part of something bigger, a bigger community, which can do more influential things through a larger pool of resources and support, and create more opportunities to help each player develop over the years.

Maybe your child is part of one of the few soccer clubs trying to create this type of environment?

Everything else in youth sports is "team" based so it is hard to get others to see the idea of "team" in a broader perspective. A child's team can be much bigger than just 10 kids. It can be a group of 30 or more of his peers, both boys and girls, and players of different ages and abilities. All can be part of making the season and experience within the club, not only exciting and fun, but developmentally the best learning environment possible for each player.

It is not just beneficial to be able to move kids around into different environments for a variety of developmental opportunities for soccer, but it is required in order to develop a very well rounded and knowledgeable player. That is the purpose and benefit of a club versus a single team. A club can provide more opportunities than a single team can, and to create an organized effort to help the player develop and grow over the years should be the goal of every soccer club. The measure of a great club is not in the number of teams it has. A great club can be measured by the number of experiences and opportunities provided to each player. The only way for a club to provide that is to work as a “club” and not as a number of teams all operating independently from each other.

The ability to move players around and not isolate them to a team has its benefits. I relate it reading groups in the classroom, and the school environment in general when talking to parents about this idea of a “club” versus “team” environment. At the beginning of a school year children are put in a reading group appropriate to their level, but the child is not kept in a particular group the entire year since a child's abilities tend to change. The hope would be the teacher would move kids into different groups, or even different programs, throughout the year, that were appropriate based on a child's growth and development. The teacher would not wait until next school year to move them.

By consistently making sure a child is in the correct group (environment), appropriately challenged and motivated, it is more likely they will not only learn to read, but will show more growth over the year and enjoy it more. Would that not be true when it comes to a child’s soccer development as well?

Also, when it comes to school, we tend to identify with being part of an entire school community versus just being in “Mr. Smith's classroom.” In school, parents and the community see a kid as part of the entire system and hope for outstanding educational experiences within the classroom, but also within the entire school and community, that will support and be part of their child’s growth. Even though a student may spend the majority of his time each year with a particular teacher or group of teachers, there are a lot of experiences outside of the classroom offered as part of their overall educational development.

With that in mind, taking the soccer model from a “team” based to a “club” based model would have the same benefits for kids’ soccer development. Instead of only being with a single coach and a single group of players, can the players have the opportunity to develop with different kids and coaches, in a variety of training and game formats, that are not only fun, but provide a much deeper and more comprehensive approach to their overall soccer development.

Moving outside the soccer specific benefits of a club model over a team model, the social benefits of having a bigger "family" to be a part of are also important to the players. Operating as a club provides more opportunities for the kids to interact and develop relationships with different types of players/kids and to make more friends. When players are isolated on teams, they get stuck in social groups where they have “a role” and normally have certain expectations to live up to. When that social group continues to change, the kids have to continue to redefine their roles based on their environment and the other kids they are playing with. This helps players become not only more confident in a variety of social situations, but gives them diverse opportunities to play different roles within these social groups. In one group, they may be a leader who takes charge, while in another social circle, they may be more supportive in nature while others take charge. It teaches the kids how to be successful in different collaborative environments and how to deal appropriately with diverse personalities.

Being part of a club means a full comprehensive plan from start to finish. The curriculum and development focus is consistent between age groups. The experiences go beyond being part of a single team, but being part of a larger community that all have a vested interest in how one another are doing. With that interest, comes an approach that allows players to be influenced and mentored by many, not just a few. With the diversity in training, experiences, coaches, teammates, friends, and within the community comes an invaluable developmental model that helps to cultivate higher level people who can perform well on any soccer field and in any environment.

Being part of a team is a great experience. Being part of a club can be life changing experience that lasts beyond a child’s playing years.