It is My Kid

Over the years, I had many conversations about coaching and yelling at players from the sideline with parents. I think deep down, most parents understand the reasons behind why yelling at and coaching players from the sideline during games is not beneficial for the player. In principle and theory, the majority of parents are on board, but things change for some when we talk specifically about their child. When it comes to their child, the line between right and wrong with sideline behavior begins to get a little blurry. Although often not “over the top” in nature, with it being their child, the parent feels a little more at liberty to communicate with them during the game.

I believe parents do this with good intentions and are deep down trying to help their child. Parents, rightfully so, always want to see their children do well and succeed. With that in mind, a parent will react and do what they feel is necessary to give their child “assistance” when needed that can help them be successful. Obviously the behavior is not malicious in nature, most of the time, so these parents are not intentionally trying to negatively affect the game experience for their child. In their mind, their comments are “encouraging” and helping their child “understand” what they should be doing. They are just helping the coach out, right?

The parents will say, “It is my kid. I know what my child needs and what motivates them to do his best.” This is true. Parents do know their kids very well and there are a lot of things coaches can learn about kids from their parents. With said, it still does not make the behavior appropriate from the sideline and it does not help the player in that particular time and situation. Even for a coach’s comments and corrections to be meaningful, they have to be delivered at the right time in the proper manner to be useful (not distracting) for the player. It is not just parents, but coaches are encouraged NOT to joystick coach as it does not help the players (like parents, plenty of coaches still do).

Here are a couple of things to think about when you "only yell at my kid during games."

1. Yes, it is your child and you have the right to say what you want to them, but understand that there is nothing, NOTHING, no research or findings, that shows yelling at your kid helps them improve their play. In fact, most research points to an adverse effect to their level of play and enjoyment. Telling kids what to do and yelling at them to try to do it faster or better is contrary to all learning and development theories out there used by the top educators and coaches around the world. First, telling a kid to do something is not teaching them how to do it. All the kid is doing is responding to what you are saying by doing what is asked. The player did not do it because he knew it to be right. The player was not given the chance to recognize and understand the situation that called for an action and respond to it. Second, adding additional pressure to stressful moments is not an ideal way to get a person to perform at a peak level. Players need to learn how to deal with the challenges of the games on their own and respond to those challenges accordingly. External pressure from a parent, or a coach, just increases anxiety of a player. A rise in anxiety creates uncertainty and doubt and reduces the player’s ability to perform.
2. It is naive to think that your yelling and comments do not have an effect on the other players on the field. Although you are "talking" to your child, and you feel you have that right, you DO NOT have the right to affect the playing environment and experience of the other kids on the field. If you do not think that is the case, yell at your child in the middle of a grocery store and see if everyone around you seems unfazed by your actions. In economics, there is something called the Tragedy of the Commons. In general, this is when “individuals, acting independently and rationally according to each one's self-interest, behave contrary to the whole group's long-term best interests.” This is how I feel many parents on the sideline operate. Individual parents will act in a way they feel is in the best interest of their child, but in the end is not in the best interest of the entire group, especially the players on the field and other parents trying to enjoy the game. In the interest of doing what is best for their child, a parent will have a negative effect on the rest of the group.
3. Your child does not like it. Think about that for a second. Not only is your yelling inappropriate and not helping your child, your child does not like it. In fact, it probably makes them uncomfortable. As they get older, it will become worse as their teammates will soon let your child know they do not care for your comments either, which will affect your child's relationship with their teammates. Now, most parents would not knowingly do something over and over to their kids that A) is not beneficial, B) your child does not like, and C) will create problems with their friends. I do not think I have ever heard of a player thanking a parent for all the screaming and instructions during the game while leaving the field. If it was helpful and the player benefited from it, I think the player would show his appreciation for all your attention and effort on the sideline. I know for me, I was just happy that my parents were at the game. I loved that they loved watching me play, and I NEVER heard them from the sideline.

So... yes, it is YOUR KID. And I know you want to do what is best for your child, but I promise you, yelling at your child during games from the sideline is not what is best. Although it may not seem like it, over time, the constant yelling and instructions could be a major factor in your child giving up the game. If you want to help your child, make sure he knows you love to watch him play, and you will ALWAYS be there to support his efforts.