Soccer Parent Landmines

Being a parent is difficult, but being a parent of a soccer player poses additional challenges that can put a lot of stress on parents and the child. The soccer community is not the easiest to navigate, and it can be overwhelming, especially for parents with kids going through the process for the first time. There will be a lot of things that go on throughout the season that can distract parents from what is most important; their child having fun and learning the game. With all decisions a parent must make, it is important that the result of each decision is in the best interest of the kid and it helps make their playing experience better. There will always be bumps in the road, but those bumps can quickly turn into large sink holes that can torpedo a season and child's enjoyment playing the game.

It is not just the kids, but the parents, who feel the pressure of the club soccer experience. All want to be doing what is right to help their child have success on the field. The heart, I believe, is always in the right place, but the pressure and culture of the competitive environment can lead parents to act or get involved in the process in a way not originally intended.

Based on my experience in youth soccer and working with parents, here are some tips for getting through the season that makes it enjoyable for everyone.

Do Not Reward Performance to Motivate Kids

There are parents who decide to motivate their child through “rewards’ for good performance on the field. With the goal to try to help their child have more success on the field, work harder, or "play better," the child is offered something in return. Now, do these rewards work to help a player work a little harder, focus more, or maybe score a couple more goals? Sometimes they do work, but only in the short term. This type of reward system begins to make playing the game about getting something in return; not playing the game because it is fun or it is something the child wants to do. Once the excitement of the rewards wears off, the child’s desire to play the game will also diminish or a bigger reward will be required to reach the same level of motivation.

Outside of that, it can affect performance in a negative way. For example, a player who is being incentivized to score goals may start playing differently or making bad decisions in order to try to score more goals that do not help the player improve. What if the player does not score a goal but has a great game, works really hard, and played very well? Even though the player had success on the field, the player will still feel like they failed because he did not score and will not be rewarded.

Should kids be rewarded for great effort and doing their best? Absolutely! I am not advocating otherwise, but parents need to be very careful about using rewards to try to get the child to play differently or enjoy the game more. In short, you should go out for ice cream after the game to celebrate having a fun day at the soccer field, but you do not take that away or hold it over a child’s head based on their performance. Quickly, what was meant to make a player want to play better will turn into a reason why a player will not want to play at all.

Avoid the Drama of the Parent Sideline

The sideline of a soccer game or practice can be a tough place to sit in peace and just enjoy the game or watch your child play. Parents are constantly faced with the uncomfortable conversations or the “soccer gossip” from other parents who are “in the know” or are frustrated about… whatever. As you are watching the game, you will hear parents talking about other parents, the coach, other players, or other teams. It will start with, “Did you hear?” and end with, “So..what do you think?”

NEVER ANSWER THAT QUESTION. Well, you can, but I strongly suggest avoiding it. It can lead you down a road you had no intention of being on.

Although I think all of us are somewhat drawn to conflict or at least enjoy hearing about it, I would do everything you can to avoid getting sucked into these types of conversations. The conversation may be prefaced with “just between you and me” but that is not how it will stay. It will always get back to whom it may concern, and then it will work its way back to you. Something you really did not care much about to begin with, will quickly become something that totally consumes you. My suggestion is avoid the conversation or change the subject when someone tries to have this type of conversation with you.

There is a fear of not being “in the know” so sometimes parents feel the need to seek out this information, so they are “informed” and can help make decisions to help their child. The one thing I will say about that is these conversations rarely consist of accurate information. In the end, you will not be more informed, but you will feel you are and that will lead to additional issues.

If through the course of the year, you feel the need to address a concern or discuss an issue, only do it with the person who it concerns. If you want to be informed, go to the source. Whether it is a coach or another parent, address all concerns and issues directly with that person. If you choose to “gossip” about it with others, eventually the person whom with you have the concern with will hear about it, but not in the way you would want and not told really what you said. Or worse, you will think you are informed and you are not, and you make a decision or choice that will affect your child adversely using bad information.

Be the Parent Not the Assistant Coach

It is important that your child has their parent waiting for them when they leave the soccer field and not an assistant soccer coach. Ask your child about their practice and show an interest in what they learned or if they had fun, but avoid giving tips and advice on how they could have played better or what they need to do next time when they are on the field. Leave that for the coach. That is the coach’s job, and you can always ask the coach questions if you need to about those things, but your child just needs you to be their parent and show you care about how they did and you love to watch them play.

Again, because all parents want to help their child have success, it is hard to stop from doing this when your child comes off the field. You might have seen something that you feel can really help them play better or have more fun, so again, I believe parents are just trying to help. But do your best to let that information come from the coach. If your child asks you how you think he did, do not be afraid to answer his questions. Dodging the question or acting like you are uninterested would not be beneficial either, but be careful when answering to try not to correct the issue for the child. Be more general with your statements and allow the coach to correct the finer points. Encourage the player to discuss it with the coach. The key is let the child ask you. Let the child determine if it is something he wants to talk about.

We all have our opinions of how things should be done, and as I said before, if you ever have concerns or questions, the best thing to do is ask the coach directly. The worst thing you can do is undermine the coach and tell your child to do things differently than what they are being asked at the soccer field. It just confuses the child, and it will cause conflict in the relationship between the player and the coach, and in the relationship between you and your child.

Avoid Emotional Public Responses

I do not like to be the bearer of bad news, but there will be things that happen throughout the season that upset you. Even the best coaches and parents, will make mistakes and say or do something that you have a real, and legitimate, issue with. Often, a bad situation can become much worse than it needs to be by a knee-jerk emotional response... especially in public in front of others.

Whether at practice or in a game, something will happen or be said to you or your child that will light your fuse and ignite your natural parental response to protect your child. Again, completely understandable, and I have seen a lot of situations where it is justified (but still not appropriate).

Although before responding or making a very public response and embarrassing scene for your child, I would suggest digesting what you see and take a more thought out and reasonable (not emotional) approach to responding to what happened. Why? First, what may have happened or what you heard may not be an issue if you completely understand the context behind it. Second, usually what is said out of an emotional response, even if justified, is not what you wish you would have said after the fact.

To ensure a proper and pragmatic response to negative events throughout the year, gather all the necessary information, examine it, and then proceed how you see necessary in the best interest of your child and yourself. Again, the soccer field, especially during games when competition is tough and emotions are running high, situations occur that do not have to be a major issue but are exacerbated by an emotional response from a parent (or coach).

Do Not Make Decisions out of Fear

This is the most important piece of advice I can give a parent, and the one that will make the biggest impact on your child’s experience. When deciding anything for your child, the decision should be based on what is best for your child to have a fulfilling, fun, and appropriate experience on the soccer field learning an awesome game. Decisions made out of fear will lead you and your child down a road you really do not want to go. 10 teams later, thousands of dollars spent, and many relationships burned, you will wonder how you got to that point?

A common fear parents have, and make a lot of decisions based off of, is the fear of their child being left behind. Something currently happening or missing in their child’s soccer experience creates a fear that their child is not progressing as fast as he should. Parents make decisions to change clubs/teams, force kids to train or practice more, or do not allow their kids to play for certain teams in trying to make sure their child does not fall behind their peers. The first sign that their child is lagging behind his peers, a decision is made to make a change. The parent will try to change the environment in the hopes of finding a better one will help their child have success and advance their skill.

With a decision based on fear, often all the facts are not taken into account and the actuality of the situation is skewed by the fear. The bigger and long-term perspective is not considered. With these types of decisions, we only look at a small and possibly insignificant piece of the puzzle. An "issue" may have nothing to do with the environment, the coach, or other players on the team that a child is falling behind. It can be for a lot of reasons that are out of the player’s control (developmental changes – both physical and cognitive), or possibly a losing interest in the game which will happen with some players (like with anything). Granted, there are definitely situations that kids should be moved off certain teams and moved to others, too many to mention here, but too often the move is not really necessary or appropriate. Often a change is an emotional reaction to the first sign of any type of obstacle or struggle for the player.

Most kids will not play this game at a "high" level. Moving kids from club to club or team to team to try to improve their level is not the best way to do that. Forcing a kid to train or practice more than he desires is not beneficial either. Yes, the proper environment to develop and extra training can help improve skill level, BUT ONLY WHEN IT IS SOMETHING THE PLAYER WANTS TO DO. Change does not help if the kid does not want it or a change does not address the real issues.

**Final thought… ** the one thing all of these items have in common is focusing on doing what is best for your child. Making the experience completely about them, and making it very little about you or the other adults along for the ride. When parents get distracted by all the other things that happen over a course of the season that cause a loss of focus on the real reason your child is playing, the experience quickly turns negative for everyone involved. Soccer is a game. We sometimes forget that. It is best to sit back and let your child discover the game, learn how to play it, and decide where he wants to take it. Avoid these soccer parent landmines, and you will not have to spend your child's soccer season rummaging through the debris of the aftermath of these types of situations.

Successful Coach

Below are some basic guidelines I wanted to share with coaches to help have a successful season. Although there are very few concrete rules about how things should be done, these ideas will help a coach have a bigger impact on the players and provide a tremendous experience for everyone involved with the team. Like anything, a change or adjustment of the coach's approach must make sense for the coach, the players, and the parents and help the players learn, grow, and have fun playing the game.

It is Not Your Team

This might sound strange, but it is not your team. It is the kids’ team. It is the players’ team. As a coach, your responsibility is to manage that team to give the kids the best experience possible throughout the season and help each kid learn as much as possible about the game. In doing so, the hope is to deepen their love and passion for the game, and help them become life-long players and fans of soccer.

The fastest way to direct the team in the wrong direction is to try to do things that benefit the coach, but do very little to help the players. This can be anything from canceling practices due to your schedule, adding more games than training because it is easier to manage, or making decisions about playing time or positioning to try to secure wins to fill your trophy case or pad your ego.

Also, this approach makes the team something the players’ take ownership of through the season. When the kids know it is their team, they are more likely to go above and beyond to do what is best, not just for themselves, but for those around them to help everyone be successful. With that ownership and responsibility, it keeps the kids focused on what is important throughout the season… each other. They will focus on working together to achieve more than could be done alone.

Teach for the Season – Not Week to Week

We are all guilty as coaches of coaching week to week or practice to practice. We recognize things the kids need to work on during a game or training session, and plan our next training session to address those concerns. This is a very short-term way to plan your training sessions and manage the season for the players. Instead of going week to week with your team, can you plan what they should learn and develop over the course of the entire season or year?

Like a teacher in the classroom with learning goals or targets for their students, a coach should develop the learning goals and development process for the team. Where do you want the kids to be in 6 months? 12 months? Learning and developing skills cannot happen randomly each week by focusing on this topic, than that topic, than this other topic, and then maybe back to first topic again at some point. That is not the best way to help anyone learn anything.

Of course things will come up throughout the year that need more attention and should be built into the training sessions, but you can begin the year with a plan of what you will teach the kids during the season. Where do you start? How do you shape the path? And where will that path lead?

Know Your Players

As coaches, we all strive to learn more about the game. We seek out new activities, training exercises, and coaching techniques. This is very important to stay on top of the “best practices” used by the elite coaches around the world, and to stay on top of how the game changes over the years. This is critical to helping your players.

But none of that matters much if you do not know how to best reach your players. One of the most important things to learn as quickly as possible when a season begins is who your players are? Collectively and individually, who are they, how do they learn, what motivates them, who can be pushed one way versus another way, what do they do outside of soccer and how does that affect or relate back to the soccer field?

All the answers to these questions, and many others, are important information for a coach to have in order to properly prepare how to approach each training session and the way to manage the season. The more you know about your players the easier it is to build rapport and gain their trust which helps you be a more effective teacher of the game.

An important part of this is knowing, based on the players’ age and ability levels, how to plan an appropriate training session that fits their developmental and cognitive needs, strengths, and limitations. If you coach a U8 team or U16 team, there should be a stark contrast in the focus and approach with both of those age groups.

Know Your Parents

Every parent group I work with has been very different, and all needed to be handled accordingly. I do not mean that in a negative way, but knowing your “audience” helps you know how, when, and why to communicate with that audience to effectively keep everyone on the same page throughout the season.

All parents have different expectations for a soccer season, for their child, and of their child’s coach. Understanding these expectations and getting out in front of any issues before they become issues, helps the season run smoothly for everyone. I am not saying change your coaching style or do things differently on the field with the kids than you think is appropriate, but understanding how your parent group sees or perceives your actions can help you communicate more clearly the purpose of your actions throughout the season.

Parents can, and should, be allies during the season to help make the experience a great one for the kids. This process starts with the coach being completely transparent and open to dialogue with parents creating a collaborative effort to give the players what they need to be successful.

If you take a “them against me” approach to your parents, you can expect to have a very long season, and you will lose a piece of the puzzle needed to provide the best playing environment for the kids.

Know You

Look in a mirror and ask yourself, “Who am I?” Seriously, it may sound funny, but it is important to have a good understanding of the type of coach and person you are when it comes to managing the season. As coaches, we try to pull things from other coaches to try to use during the season. Whether it is a training session, team building activity, a way to communicate with the parents or players, or how to manage a game, no matter how great an idea or process it may be, it will ultimately fail if it does not fit who you are, your demeanor, and personality as a coach. Those great ideas, that you see work for other coaches, work for those coaches because they created them with themselves in mind.

Am I saying do not try to grow or adjust your coaching style as a coach, improve, or change the way you run a season? Absolutely not! We all should change and grow each year, but that growth and change has to be something that works with who we are as people too. Don’t try to fit a square peg in a round hole, but definitely try to find a better round peg and the best way use it.

Often coaches try new activities or management ideas that are good, but are not adjusted to fit the coach (or players) in order to use those new ideas effectively. As it is important to design training sessions that best fit your players’ needs, it is just as critical, that the training session allows the person running it to use their strengths to their potential to reach the players.

Arrive Early – Stay Late

If there is anything that shows the parents and the players that you are organized and planned out, it is being at practice early, with the field set up, waiting for the players to arrive. It shows another level of dedication and commitment to making sure each training session is meaningful and well-prepared for the players. Although it is not a reality all the time for some coaches with other work schedules, do your best to work out a way to be at practice before it starts.

Think about the visual image to the players and parents of two different scenarios. First one, the coach is at the field waiting for the kids to arrive, and the field is set up and ready for the session’s activities. As the kids arrive, the coach greets each player and gets the session started on time. The second one is vastly different, practice should be starting but the coach is racing from the parking lot to the field. The kids are already there and are waiting on the coach. The coach quickly drops his bags, hurries to set up the first activity, and calls the players in to get started. Now, even if the coach has a session prepared, how different do you think the session would go based on the way it was started when compared to the coach who was early?

When training is over, it is a bad image to see a coach race for the parking or beat the kids off the field. As practice ends, debrief the session with the players, and make yourself available to the players if anyone needs to ask questions or discuss anything. Make yourself available to the parents too. It is a great time to answer questions about the training session or their child. It may actually save you time versus having to receive an email later and respond (probably more than once).

Being early and staying late sends a great message to both the parents and the players about your commitment and dedication to your craft.

Communicate – ALL THE TIME

I’d prefer to be accused of over communicating versus under communicating with my players and parents. The more open and continuous the chain of dialogue between everyone involved with a team the more information everyone has about what is going on with the team and parents are knowledgeable about how their child is doing.

A coach’s biggest mistake, with both players and parents, is ASSUMING something done or said makes complete and total sense to everyone else, and it was interpreted exactly how the coach planned. Frankly, it is never the case. The more information provided to explain what is being done with the players and team over the course of the season, the less room there is for assumptions, or players and parents filling in the blanks with their own answers about what should be happening.

Most of the time, it is never a good situation with a coach that either refuses to openly communicate with parents and players, or just assumes what is being done should make sense to everyone else so there is no need for additional clarification.

Be Flexible but Don’t Break

With all that said, start the season with a set of guidelines and standards for all involved, including yourself. Both the players and parents should have a full understanding of what they should expect from you over the course of the year. Now guidelines and standards rarely work when they are chiseled in stone. With the standards and guidelines in mind, when presented with different situations throughout the season the decisions you make should be in line with the goal of those principles.

If you are too rigid, you may make decisions in line with what you set forth at the beginning of the year, but really does not make a lot of sense based on a situation that you did not foresee. You should always be trying to do what is in the best interest of the players and team. When sticking to rules that force a decision that is not in the best interest of a player, the unwillingness to be flexible will actually create a situation that goes against the reason for having the rules in the first place.

This does not mean to cave on everything. In fact, that would be grossly ineffective on the other side of the spectrum of team management. I am just suggesting that is prudent to analyze each situation and make the best decision possible to help the player and team. This may force a coach to be more flexible, but it should never force the coach to break away from a core belief in what is best for the player and team’s learning and development.

...Before the next season begins, consider some of these key areas about how you will manage the team and players’ experience. Hopefully some of these items will help you plan a season that is meaningful and enjoyable one for all involved. With all the above in mind, one of the most important things a coach can do is have fun with the season. Show the kids how much you enjoy the game, how much you enjoy coaching, and how much you enjoy watching them play and learn. Your passion and enthusiasm, the fun you are having, will permeate throughout the team.

The Ball is a Toy

With the competitiveness and pressure around sports, it is easy to forget that every sport is just a game. Not much different than jumping rope, tag, or hide and go seek, soccer (like other sports) is a game to be played for fun. There are winners and losers, but the goal is to play, get exercise, and enjoy the time with the friends. It is sad when sports moves from this view into more of a "job" or work, both in which a game was never intended. Even when players play a sport for a living, for the most part, the best at the game still play it because it is fun and they love it. Like most games, when the game was invented, I am confident the “creator” did not do it so one day those who play this game at the highest level will get paid to do it. This means, at the heart of every game, every sport, and in soccer, the things used to play the game should be seen as toys.

Ask a kid to show you his toys. What do you think he will point to? Most likely, the child will point to a video game system, maybe some board games, an ipad, dolls or stuffed animals, but I highly doubt that most children would point to their soccer ball. To me, this is a very sad thought. As a kid, my soccer ball was always in my “toy bin” in my room. That is exactly how I saw the ball. It was not something I would go “train” with or use to “practice.” It was just a toy, and something I would go to have fun and entertain myself. It was no different than my Atari, Pogo Stick, or Voltron action figures (I will pause and allow for Google searches).

This is a change that needs to occur in the youth soccer culture. The soccer ball cannot be seen as a work tool, or something that is only used when asked by an adult or coach. That is not how toys work. Think of anyone who is amazing at what they do (an artist, writer, programmer, mechanic, architect, etc… ) and I bet those people see the “tools” of their profession more as toys they get to play with everyday, and that is the reason why they are the best at what they do.

When it comes to toys, what do kids do with them? Well, for one thing they tend to use the toy in way that it was probably never intended, or in other words, they find creative ways to use the toy. When it comes to soccer, this is a key thing that is missing with kids and their relationship to the soccer ball. Many kids will only do what they have been told to do with the soccer ball. This is rarely the case with something a kid sees as a toy. If anything, parents often, and even to the point of frustration, have to keep reminding a child what a toy should be used for. For example, I was constantly told, “Your sister’s Barbies are not Frisbees.” Although I think I proved my parents wrong by successfully throwing them over the house to my friend.

If we want players to be imaginative with the ball and creative when they play the game, they need to view the soccer ball as a toy, not just at home, but at practice and in games. It is something they play with and needs to be treated accordingly. It should not be something a child dreads to have during a game, or something they are asked to get rid of right away. Frankly, they should never be discouraged from “playing with it” for too long. This is why I think the soccer ball should always be part of activities during practice and the player’s should be around it as often as possible. No one likes waiting their turn in a line to play with a toy.

As adults, we forget how to play with toys. We tend to use things exactly for what they are designed for and use them how directed to make sure we do not break them or use them incorrectly. Unintentionally, we sometimes force kids to share our same way of thinking when they play. We ask them to see the soccer ball, or the game, through our eyes and share our views, but is that what we really want for the kids? Do you really want the kids view and understanding of the game limited by your understanding and view of the game? I think most parents and coaches hope kids discover the game in their own way, and their understanding and joy to play it surpasses their own.

The only way for this to happen, for kids to regain their freedom and enjoyment of playing the game, is for them, and all of us, to view the soccer ball in its purest form... as a toy. As such, parents will allow a kid to interact with the ball like it is a toy, and the child will play with the ball like it is a toy. This will unleash the player’s love to play with the ball and unlock the possibilities of what the player can do with the ball. Like with any toy, once the imagination becomes involved, there is not much a kid cannot do with it.

From now on, when a parent tells their kids to go play with their toys, hopefully the soccer ball (or the football, baseball, bike, skateboard) is considered to be in that category. Yes, it may still take a back seat to the PlayStation or Xbox, but maybe the players will consider playing with it if the power goes out.

Make a Decision and Learn

Soccer has no patience for indecisiveness. Soccer will not wait for uncertainly to fade or allow a player to over analyze any situation on the field before making a decision. Soccer is extremely impatient and it expects a player to make choices immediately and often. Any hesitation or second guessing will be punished with a loss of possession and mounting frustration. The game rewards confidence. Confident decisions, right or wrong, gives the player the opportunity to be successful or the opportunity to learn and get better. When a player makes no decision, not only will he lose possession of the ball, but there is nothing to be gained or learned… well except that next time a decision needs to be made.

When players get the ball on the field, it is important that they try to do something with it. Whether it is dribbling into space, controlling the ball and finding a pass, taking a shot, turning, etc… the player should always make a choice with the ball based on what the player sees. Often a player receives the ball, and is paralyzed by uncertainly on what to do next. Either he has it in his mind already what he wants to do, but that option is not available, or he sees multiple options and is not sure which one to choose. He wants to make sure he does not make a mistake, so the player just sits on the ball waiting for the game to force him to do something. Although, normally a defender takes possession of the ball before anything can be done.

I tell players to do what the game is asking them to do. Not the coach or a parent, as it is the game that presents the problem and has a solution. The player should have an idea of what to do with the ball before having possession BASED ON WHAT IS SEEN going on in the game, but also should continue to evaluate that decision as the ball arrives. Players should constantly scan the field to see what is happening around them instead of just following where the ball is with their eyes. Players rarely look to see what is happening in other areas of the field since they are only focused on the ball.

Once the ball is on their foot, the player needs to make a decision. Based on what is happening in that moment of the game, a choice needs to be made. The longer the player sits idle with the ball and takes no action, the more time defenders have to close down the space, take away options, and win possession of the ball. The faster a decision is made the less time defenders have to prepare or anticipate what the player may do with the ball.

Another side of this is when a player is looking for a “better option” with the ball. The player really wants to go forward or take a shot, but currently there is no opportunity to do so. The player has an option to play the ball back or across the field, but chooses to sit and wait with the ball, hoping a “better option” will present itself. Instead of playing the pass or taking space that is available, the player spends too much time looking for something different and eventually loses possession or tries to force something to happen that is not available.

Now, I am a coach that advocates that players should know what they want to do with the ball before the ball arrives. The goal is that the player can prepare the ball for his next move with the controlling first touch and execute a decision quickly. Unfortunately, I have found that many players, when asked to do this (especially young players), have a hard time changing their mind once they decide what they want to do when they get the ball. When the player gets the ball, as I wanted him to do, he knows what he wants to do with it and goes with that decision. The problem is that things in the game are constantly changing, so players need to make sure that what they wanted to do is still available. If something has changed, then the player needs to react and play according to those changes. So yes, the player needs to make a decision, but it needs to be made in real time, even when the player has an idea of what to do with the ball before gaining possession. As the pieces move on the field and the situation changes, the player needs to be decisive in that moment. Making a decision too early, too late, or not at all, are all costly when trying to keep possession of the ball.

The biggest benefit of the player making a decision and acting on it is that it gives the player an opportunity to learn. By making a choice and trying to play, the player will get immediate feedback from the game. Either the choice worked or it did not. The thing player’s have to be careful about when evaluating those situations is when something does not work, is it because the decision was not the right one, or did it not work due to a technical deficiency of the player (i.e. – an inaccurate pass)? In both situations, the player will have learned a valuable piece of information that will help improve his level of play. Either a player’s decision making or ability to execute those decisions will be challenged or affirmed.

When a player hesitates on the ball or just kicks the ball away without any thought, there is no opportunity to evaluate or learn from that moment in the game. The only things evident are: 1) the player either lacks the skills or confidence to try anything with the ball, 2) the player does not know what to do with the ball, and/or 3) the player is afraid to lose the ball (usually due to being ridiculed by coach, parent, or teammate).

Like at any other time in our lives, it is better to fail confidently than it is to fail from inaction or fear. Doing nothing accomplishes nothing, and it provides no opportunities to learn and grow. This is why it should be demanded that players constantly make choices on the field based on what the game is asking of them, and confidently execute those decisions and learn from them each time. Those choices should not be about avoiding losing the ball. Instead, those decisions should be focused on trying to keep the ball and improve the technical and tactical skills required to play the game.

In short, the game is the best teacher ONLY when it has a group of kids who are willing to actually play the game, make decisions, and learn from those decisions.

The Path

One of the most common questions I get from parents about their child is, “What should my child be doing to improve?” Their child has goals and wants to continue to improve as a soccer player, so the parent wants to help their child achieve those goals by directing them down the right path. Their child is showing a passion for the game and seems to love to play. With youth soccer, there are always decisions about where children should play, what type of training they should do, how much training, who they should be training with, how much they should play, and many other questions or concerns. The problem is that there is no single “right” path for every player to take. Each player needs to take the path that makes sense for them. What worked for one player, will not work for another player. To achieve their goals, each player needs to head down the path that is both 1) appropriate and 2) leads to where THE PLAYER wants to go.

Although parents are sometimes frustrated with my answer to this question, I hope that it helps the parents approach the question from the right perspective. There is no set list of things players need to do to continue to grow in this game. The list is very different for each player, and there is never one single decision or choice that will be the reason why the child reaches or does not reach a certain level of play. Like the development process itself, it is a process, it takes time, and it is different for each child.

There is a silver lining to this idea. The silver lining is that the path can be whatever the player wants it to be. With that flexibility, the player will experience the game and enjoy the game the way the player wants to. It is the way that "fits" and compliments the player's interest in the sport. The player never has to fit into a mold that does not support his playing goals and relationship with the game. Of course, there are things players need to learn and develop to continue to improve, but how and when they learn will be different each player. All players need to develop skill with the ball, an understanding of how the game is played, and the physical ability to play the game, but there is not one way to develop any of those areas.

The game itself, many development academies, and top level coaches around the world all give different answers to these questions. All agree on many areas of the path to develop players and disagree on many others. Some coaches feel some skills are more important than others, and may differ on when and how different skills need to be learned. Like any professional field, there are many theories and opinions on the best “path” to take, but there is not one “right” answer for everyone. If there was, the best players in the world would only come from one particular program or coach. At this time, high level players are being developed in very different environments, from different coaching styles, and development philosophies.

As coaches, we look at these differences in opinions and philosophies, and determine how they apply to the kids that we work with. How can that information help us help our kids? We look at best practices from the best coaches around the world, and we try to adapt them to our training sessions and plan for the season to help our players. There is no single right answer, but there are right answers in each particular situation. We just hope the information we have helps us make the best decisions in that moment for our players.

For parents, it is the same thing when helping your child. The more information you have about the game, about the development process, the better you will be at making decisions to help your child take the path that is best suited for your child. You cannot push or manipulate your child down a particular path, but you can work with your child to help him understand the options and make good decisions based on his relationship with the game, and what he wants to do next.

For the player, the path needs to be something he chooses to follow. If at any point the player is heading down a path that either he did not select or does not lead to where he wants to go, he will quickly lose interest in continuing in that direction. This does not mean the path cannot be hard or there will not be set backs on that path, it just means that if the player did not choose the path, those hardships and set backs will be reasons why the player quits versus the reasons why the player grows and improves.

Do I expect a 9 year old to know what “path” he should take with soccer? No, but, at that age, the player should be just having fun and learning how to play. As parents and coaches, we should take into account what type of experience a 9 year old should have when playing the game versus a 16 year old? Again, this would be different based on the interest level of each kid, but fun and development should be part of that path. As kids get older, they can be more active in developing the path as they can make more decisions about their interests and future goals with the game. In both scenarios, the more information parents, coaches, and the players have about appropriate developmental goals at each age group, from multiple sources and experts, it is easier to make an educated decision about a particular child’s situation. But again, that decision should be different for each player based on that player.Too often, we are influenced by the decisions of others for their kids, and then feel obligated to make the same choices for our child.

So what path should your child take? My short answer to the question is this… the path your child should be on is one that he is learning how to play the game, being challenged appropriately for his age group and ability level, is having fun, is showing initiative, and taking ownership of his own development and learning. Pave the "path" with your love and support, and there will be no wrong turns or dead ends.

Uncommon to Achieve the Uncommon

When successful people are studied, sometimes I think there is something that we miss. It is something that is glazed over as a “natural” part of the process of achieving their level of skill or rising to that level of success. We see these people as special or different than most, but we tell kids that if they work hard they can achieve the same things in life or in sports. Although I agree with this sentiment, and it is a good thing to encourage kids to work hard, at the same time, I believe that is also not true to some degree. By working hard, you will have a certain level of success and do better than if you did not work hard or even try, but to achieve success at an elite level, at anything, takes a very UNCOMMON type of effort that the majority of us are just not willing give.

Often hard work is mistaken for just trying or giving more effort than a person normally would in a given situation or over time. When most of us feel that we have “worked hard,” we really have not scratched the surface of how hard we need to work to reach an elite level on that particular task or towards our goal. Working hard at that level is an extremely uncomfortable state to be in most of the time, and most of us cannot tolerate the discomfort for long enough to get to that next level, a level beyond where we are currently comfortable.

On top of this, we have a misconception that hard work usually comes with instant gratification or rewards. We put in effort and immediately expect some type of reward or tangible item to show for the effort spent. Unfortunately, the harder the task, the less of a “reward” a person will see through the process. That is until the person has worked hard enough, for long enough, that the reward is actualized and another level of success has been achieved. On average, most of us quit way to early due to the first set back or stumble.

Many of us work hard to try to impress a coach, teammate, parent, friend, teacher, or boss, but those who really work hard never do it to try to impress anyone. Really, they just do not know any other way of doing things. It is what is necessary, so it becomes the norm for them. Although it is foreign, uncomfortable, and hard for us to do, and may even seem slightly excessive, for this type of individual, it is just their standard mode of operation. At some point, what we may consider as pain and discomfort, they find soothing and reassuring to what they are working towards. Maybe because they understand those are the indications they are heading in the right direction towards what they want to achieve? They know without the pain and discomfort they will never get to where they want to be, and for them, that result, would be intolerable. It would be a higher cost than the sacrifice needed to get there.

For these reasons, we cannot mistake effort for an uncommon effort and expect the same results. It is just not possible, and it is a mistake we often make. We ask ourselves and others to work hard to achieve great things, but we do not expect a necessary level of commitment to that hard work that is required to achieve great things. This is a key distinction that we need to make with kids.

When we tell kids that if they work hard they can do better on the soccer field, are we clearly defining what we mean by that? What are their goals and how hard will they need to work to achieve them? If we tell a player to work hard all season and he will earn more playing time, or move up a team, in a way, we can be setting that player up to fail. Why? Because we are not clearly showing the player what “working hard” means to achieve what he wants. The idea of working hard is different for each person, and his definition, or belief about what is required, could be way below what is actually required. While this player may see his hard work as enough, the other players he is competing against may consider that level of effort to be minimal. Thus, the player could be working hard by his definition, but not doing nearly enough to really help him overcome the obstacles ahead or surpass his competition.

As mentioned above, working hard will look and feel different for each player. What one player sees as working hard, another player could see as barely working at all or possibly working way too hard. Working hard is subjective, and how each person perceives that is different. This is a major reason for a difference in the level of success of players on the field (and off the field). Some players will just work harder than others, for longer, and see greater results and achieve more. Not all players will fit this mold, and that is ok. It is unreasonable to think that everyone will push themselves to the same level, and that is why a small percentage of players work their way to up to the top… a very small percentage. It is probably the same percentage of players who are willing to work at an uncommon level of effort to achieve an uncommon level of success.

Here is a quick story to illustrate my point… a mom of a player I had the pleasure of coaching called me very concerned one day. She told me her son is spending hours in the backyard each day with the soccer ball. He would just go in the back yard and then come into the house dripping with sweat after a couple of hours of working with the ball (juggling, dribbling, and passing against the side of the house). She was concerned about if it was too much for him, if it was safe for him to do that? I asked her if she was encouraging him or rewarding him somehow to get him to do that. She said no. In fact, she was trying to get him to come in the house and do other things, but he refused.

I told her to keep an eye on him to make sure he is not doing anything that can put himself in danger (not taking needed breaks or drinking enough water), but if he is doing that on his own free will then I would not be concerned. If he seems happy and is motivated to do that on his own, as long as it does not negatively affect other key areas of his life (with the understanding there is always some level of sacrifice), he will be fine.

This player in training, and obviously on his own, practiced with a very uncommon level of effort on a consistent basis. I know I did not train and practice to that degree, but I felt I worked hard as a player. But my level of working hard was not even close to this player’s effort. It was a completely different commitment level to the goal of getting better.

Over the years, this player was seen by many as a “special talent” as he was growing into an elite player. What people did not see is the amount of work he put in on his own and in training that others were not willing. For me, this is what made him “special” or uncommon. While others saw it as just a natural progression of a player born to play the game, I saw nothing natural about the progression as it was only possible due to his unnatural effort.

This player was recently signed by an MLS team and I am sure will continue to grow as a player, not because he is just that good, but because he is willing to work hard enough to be that good. Like other players at that level, they did not get their by chance or good fortune (even though we may like to believe so as it helps us feel better about it).

If we want to be honest with our kids, with the players we coach, we need to make sure we do not just point to elite athletes or very successful people and just say, “If you work hard, you can do the same thing.” Simply, that is not true. We are setting them up to fail. If we point to those people and really show a kid or a player what that person had to do to achieve what they achieved, then the player can make an honest assessment on whether or not they want to walk that same, very difficult, but fruitful, path to that elite level of success.

Our Warped View of a Youth Coach

When we think of great coaches, we are drawn to the greats that we watch on ESPN each week. They are the brilliant college and professional coaches who are exceptional strategic tacticians, who prepare their team each week to step on the field, compete, and win. They utilize their players strengths, place them in the right positions to use those strengths, and make sure the other team cannot expose their weaknesses. Their goal is to use their players, get them to play in a system, and win more games than they lose. That is what they get paid for, and frankly, not producing that result will find them quickly out of a job. These coaches are paid to win, and they approach the season with that goal in mind. Unfortunately, as coaches and parents, we watch these coaches and assume this is how a coach of 9 year olds should coach as well. We have a warped sense of what a "great coach" looks like because we tend to only study the ones who get paid to win. We know little about the ones who are the best at coaching with kids.

When a coach takes over a team of kids, is his primary job to evaluate these kids' strengths and weaknesses, find out which position they are best at, and then formulate a team system to give those kids the best chance of winning all season? When youth coaches do this, they are often praised. The coach's approach is one that helps professionals at the higher level keep their jobs, but is fundamentally backwards for kids in terms of their development and learning. It helps the team win, makes the coach look good, makes the kids look good, parents are happy, so it must be the right way to approach the season. I am sure there are not a lot of complaints to coaches who take this approach and finish the season on top.

But I believe the coach fails at his most important task when approaching his responsibility in this manner. He fails to actually teach. Let me give you an example...

I read a story about a basketball coach who asked his team to press when defending. When the other team inbounded the ball, he wanted his team to try to win the ball close to the basket for easy lay ups and shots close to the basket. On the surface, this sounds like great coaching. And fundamentally, the idea is not wrong. That is a part of the game. But the reason behind it was where the coach failed to do his job.

He had his team press because his players were not very good at handling the ball. They could not bring the ball up the court and they did not pass very well. When his team was forced to bring the ball up the court, they often lost it and gave up lots of points. Instead of teaching the players to improve their dribbling, passing, and challenging them to get better in this area, the coach chooses a different approach. He tried to hide his team's weakness by applying a very smart tactical plan which would help his team win more games and have more success (in terms of wins and losses).

This coach was proud of his team and their ability to execute his plan. They ended up winning the league championship. This in a lot of people's mind would be an example of high level coaching. Maybe this coach even won "Coach of the Year" for helping his team of players who were not that good individually achieve so much. But the sad truth is that this coach took the very easy, LAZY way, out and failed to actually coach.

If you have a team of players who cannot perform fundamental skills, or you have players on your team who individually struggle in certain areas of the game, COACHING IS NOT FINDING WAYS TO HIDE THOSE WEAKNESSES or helping the kids compensate for those weaknesses by tactical decisions you force them to make. Coaching, actual high level - youth coaching, is helping those kids improve on those areas. Your job is not to help them win. Your job is to help them learn how to play the game so they can win.

In the case of this story, I feel a coach who was truly concerned about helping those kids get better, would ask each player on that team to constantly work on their dribbling and passing, trying to bring the ball up the court in each and every game (not just practice), until the players learned how to do it. Now, that is something that would have lasted much longer than just a single season of success for the players. It would have much more value than the plastic trophy. They would have learned how to work to get better and what it takes to EARN success.

Now what do you think would have happened if the coach took the “development” approach? How do you think that would have been received by the parents? Most likely, as the players were taking their lumps, giving the ball away, and losing games, the coach would have received many emails or phone calls questioning why he kept making the kids try to dribble and pass the ball up the court. In the stands, the parents may have muttered to each other or under their breath, “This coach has no idea what he is doing! Can’t he see the issue? Why doesn’t he have the kids just….”

So, I do not put the blame on just the coach. At times, it is the coach perpetuating what the parents are expecting of the coach, or what a coach feels the parents are expecting him to do. Often a stray from our warped view of the role of a coach is not accepted well by the masses. Again, we have an idea that a coach is suppose to be the same type of guy or woman we see on ESPN, and we fail to see that a youth coach should act, teach, and interact with players in a much different way and have completely different goals for the group and each individual.

In this case, do I have any issue with a coach teaching his team how to press? No. I think kids playing a sport should learn all different ways to attack and defend. Pressing is part of basketball and kids should learn how to do that. My issue is simply with the reason behind it, and the motivation to make the kids play a certain way to avoid actually teaching them how to play the game and helping them get better. Short term success, a single season, is given more value than a longer term purpose and value of sports… to help kids learn how to learn, struggle, develop, and grow.

Now, the one thing that coaches who we love to watch on ESPN, and I look up to, that I try to adapt to my coaching with the players I work with is how those coaches help each player believe they are capable of doing much more than they think is possible. They understand how critical a player’s confidence and belief in their ability is to their performance on the field. They are experts at making sure their players are in the right mindset when faced with competition or an obstacle to overcome.

You should expect that from your youth coach. It is one of the most important things a coach can provide a young player. If a coach can instill in a player the mindset that skills can be learned and developed, to be confident in what they are capable of doing, and never be afraid to fail, that any type of REAL SUCCESS will require a large amount of failure, then the coach has given the player much more than any single win or trophy will come close to providing.

I have said it before... youth coaches are not paid to win games. They are paid to teach and develop young people using a sport. A youth coach should not act like or have the same goals as the coaches who get paid to win games; whose jobs depend on it. The approach is different because the goal is different. We need to stop confusing the two and assume our child’s coach should act the same. In fact, the more of a difference, the more strange it may look and feel, the more appropriate and better of a job the youth coach is doing.

We should not treat the kids like they are professional athletes, and we should not expect our youth coaches to act like they are coaching professional athletes.